The why's?

This is a post that i wrote on Friday. I had every intention of posting it and then chickened out. I wasnt sure if i should put it all out there for everyone to see. But i have decided that living involves the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. So today i am being real - I am putting it out there. Not for your sake but for mine!

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I guess i am struggling with this at the moment....i call them the why's? You know the questions, the thoughts that run round and round your head. The questions that you know you will never really get answered and yet you still find yourself thinking about them.

Today i came across this post. It was me all over....

"There are moments when we want to cry out of anger and frustration, moments of deep sadness where the tears seem to pour out of our eye sockets like a burst dam, and unexpected moments like these where the tears surface and catch themselves just on the edge of spilling over. I find those moments often times startling and bittersweet, because those instances tend to occur when it isn't appropriate or convenient or maybe even necessary to immediately dive into a good, solid cry. They are just little reminders of what makes our hearts tug, what sends a chill of recognition and maybe even gratitude right down into the depths of our souls."

I am concentrating really hard at the moment to stay positive but when you find out he has managed to move on after only three weeks of a six and a half year relationship ending you tend to wonder. How is it that he has managed to find himself someone else to love so soon.

I was sitting at my desk at work when i found out. And it was just one of those moments where i couldnt stop the tears from coming. It was not the right place or the right time but i had no control over it. I sobbed all the way home - that type of crying where it comes from your very inner being. You feel like your insides are breaking, your chest is caving in. You cant stop the tears. I bet my fellow other drivers must have wondered what on earth was the matter with me.

Yes, it was me who made the final decision to ends things but what seems to be forgotten are all the little decisions up to that point which left me feeling like this would be the best thing. Just because i ended it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt.

I was feeling better, my spirits were lifting and then , out of no where BAM the feelings hit once again like a wave against the ocean. If i had to put a title to my day it would be "Im too sad to tell you". Sometimes words are not enough to explain all that you feel - sometimes the only thing that you can do is let the tears fall.