[ I really did want to have his baby ]

Dreams...........( painted this weekend )

Ok, I know that is not your normal sort of blog title but it is what is on my mind today. I have been reading this book called At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks and the further along that I have been reading it the more and more I have been feeling this longing. I am not going to spoil the book for anyone so If you want a good clean romance then all that I am going to say is definitely pick up a copy of this book.

Ok, so back to this longing and to my title before you all think that I have gone bonkers! Oh wait, part of me feels like I already have. For those of you who don’t know I split up from my fiance 7 months ago today actually. We had been together for almost seven years. For as long as I can remember I had wanted to get married and have a baby and as much as he said he wanted these things they just never seemed to materialise. I guess that this is part of why I decided to end things with him - I wanted and needed things that he just didn’t seem to really want.

It's not that I am that sad that all I want to do is cry - I guess I am just dealing with those broken dreams. Those ideas and hopes of how I thought my life would turn out with him. I wanted to have his baby - that is such a huge deal and yet he didn’t seem all that interested. I wanted to marry him and again he was happy to live with things as they were. I needed to go forward, he wanted to float.

I think it definitely says some great things about us when even after all of this I can honestly say that we have been able to stay friends. We visit each other now and then, we give each other a quick text to see how things are and we do truly care about each other. Loving him was never the issue. Living out my dreams with him was.

So I guess I am just reflecting on the wedding I didn’t have, on the marriage I feel that I have missed out on and on the baby that I so desperately want. It all feels so very very far away and I don’t know if I can wait that long to finally be living my dreams.

[ Sharing is Caring ]

Or at least that is what was said in our family while i was growing up.

Before i carry on i just want to say thank you to all you lovely ladies who commented on my weight lose on yesterdays post. It is so nice to have such great support and encouragement. Thank you.

Friday night my friend and i went to go watch Mamma Mia!

Now let me just explain that i haven't been to the cinema in at least seven months. Its actually probably a lot longer than that because i cant even remember what the last film was that i watched in a cinema.

To say that the evening was fantastic is an understatement. The whole experience was so much fun. The smell of that freshly made popcorn....yum! *Although i would happily like to add that i did not have any*

The movie was great. I really really enjoyed it and spent a lot of the movie tapping my foot and mouthing the words.......due to my lack of a singing voice of course

Isn't EBay such a cool place. Whoever thought this idea up is brilliant. Look what i brought for £9.50 all inclusive! 8GB memory card and a card reader for under £10! Fantastic.

And then there is shopping. Not just any shopping but you know when you go into a grocery store that you don't normally shop in. Yes, i know it does take twice as much time while in this different shop but boy oh boy what treasures can be found just by trying somewhere new. Look what i found at Morrison's....

I can not wait to give them a try.

[ HYC Update ]

Last week I decided not to post my weigh in result. The scale was showing that I was back up to 263.6 lbs and to be honest I was just too disappointed and ashamed to share it with everyone. I know that we all fluctuate from week to week but I have been in this same number range for so long now that I really did begin to feel pathetic and ashamed.

Anyway, since then I have gotten my act together, pulled myself together and decided to stand up and try again. So here is last weeks weigh in results

and this is this weeks weigh in results....
2.2 lbs off this week. I am so pleased. I feel like i am back in control of things and more than that i am feeling positive about this journey.

I have also worked out my new goals. 10% goals which means that i have four goals before my final weight. I have now lost 21.6 pounds and need to lose 28.3 pounds to get to my first 10%. That is 6.7 pounds away. I can definitely do that ladies!

[ So psyched ]

This week has really been a good one.

Work situation. Not only did i get the job that i wanted but they also agreed to give me the increase that i wanted. In fact, they agreed to give me £1000 more rather than just the £500. Fantastic!

The future. Today i bought two tickets to.........*drum roll please*......... the ballet! Yup, you read that right. I have always wanted to go to the ballet but never actually thought i would ever do it. Now i am! September 22nd at 7:30pm i will be there! Oh, i am so psyched about this!

I am going to go all out and get dressed up to the nines!

Eating plan. Day 2 and everything is on track and going well. I have been feeling full and confident. I have written down everything that i have eaten and stayed within my points. Go me!

LOL - I am sure i had more to share with you guys than this but its late and this is all that i can think of. Have a happy weekend everyone.

[ Excuses no more ]

For the past few years, while my weight has been creeping up and up, I can not count the number of times that I scolded myself for carrying this extra weight and even more so for not doing anything about it. Even while I was telling myself off, telling myself how bad I was, how horrible and stupid and all the rest of it there has always been one excuse that has been at the for front of it all.

About 4 years ago I joined WW for the first time. I did really well on it, lost about 15 pounds (that was all that I needed to lose at the time) and then I hit a snag in my relationship with my ex and things went south quickly. I moved back to South Africa and spent a lovely 2 months there visiting with friends, catching up on old times and eating loads and loads of the food that I had been "missing out" on. LOL, now that I look back at it I think I might have been trying to make up for the years of missing out in the short 2 months that I was there. I ate, and ate and ate. Anyways, when I came back my friend very politely pointed out that in the two months that I had been back home I had gained back a lot of my weight. She was right of course but I could feel myself rebelling against my "used to be thinner" self.

Every time I went to pick up a chocolate bar or dessert, she would tell me how I shouldn't eat that, or when I had a lovely meal and wanted to go back for seconds she would remind me that that is not what thin girls do. She didn’t hesitate to point out that where I used to walk to work and back everyday I now did nothing more than what was absolutely necessary. Every time I would try on an item of clothing she would make a little comment about how much tighter it was getting or how I could no longer do the zip up without lying on the floor. Before I knew it, she was everywhere and my guilt and shame where growing as well.

I am not sure where she came from or why I let her stick around for so many years but just lately I have been hearing her more and more. Maybe it has been because the scale has not been moving for me and so I have been feeling very despondent with it all, maybe it is just because of everything else that I have had going on in my life lately. This afternoon I feel like I had one of those A-ha moments, as Oprah calls them. The voice, the disapproving tone and comments, the excuses - it seemed to all wash over me like a wave and I realised in that moment, that the reason that I had been giving my "thinner me" for staying fat and unhealthy was this…. "I didn’t want to have to count points for the rest of my life."

And then I realised it…..for the past few weeks I have been using Sparkpeople to help me keep track of what I have been eating and how much I have been exercising and I realised that keeping track of calories is not all that much different from writing down my daily points. It was just new, and interesting and different which is why it had appealed to me. So today I have decided to go back to WW points. It worked for me in the past and to some degree I have still been using it over the years. …..Isn't it weird how your brain just remembers that a chicken kebab with no mayo is 9 WW points and every time you do go to have one this figure pops up in your mind? Totally weird!

So, as of right now I am going to go back to my WW points. I wont be able to join a group at the moment but for now I am going to do it at home and I am going to make sure that I get more exercise.

[ Happy, Exciting News ]

So i had my second interview today and i am so excited to say that i have been offered the job!

I cant believe it.....im so happy.

I am waiting for them to come back on the salary. I have asked them for an extra £500 as i now have a lot further to travel and i should hear about that tomorrow. So excited!

Thank you to everyone who had me in their thoughts and prayers.

On a different note i just wanted to share with you what i did this weekend. I did some decorating and organising all in one. Check out how i now keep my jewellery...

Note to self : Get more colourful jewellery

[ Have a little Faith }

To all those who want desperately for me to succeed.

To all those who want me never to experience the pain of failure.

To all those who watch and wonder if I really know what I’m doing.

To all those who stand in judgment, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

To all those who look to me for proof of what’s possible.

To all those who only want the very best for me.

To all those who love me, unconditionally.

I share these words…

Have a little faith.

Have a little faith that I’ll make mistakes, but be able to recover.

Have a little faith that, more often than not, I DO know what’s best for me.

Have a little faith that I have within me the will to rise against adversity.

Have a little faith that I’ll know when to soldier on and when to walk away.

Have a little faith that I will not put myself at unjustifiable risk.

Have a little faith that my heart is in the right place.

Have a little faith that the mainstream path isn’t always the right path.

Have a little faith that I will succeed beyond my wildest imagination, even where those before me have failed.

Have a little faith…and a lot of love.

I came across this poem while surfing this blog. It spoke to me and i just wanted to share it with you all. Have a lovely weekend and see you on Monday with next weeks weigh in!

[ Ouch to Body Pump and a catch up]

I would have written this post earlier but it has only been the last few hours that I have been able to actually lift my arms…lol. OK, it hasn’t been that bad but man oh man my arms and shoulders have been and are so sore. No matter what movement I do it hurts and today I have started getting grumpy with it.

My arms hurt! They feel like they are going to fall off! I am not kidding - They hurt!
I know, I know. My work college happily reminds me every time that I give a slight moan that "NO, your arms are not going to fall off!" but I disagree! Moaning aside, I did enjoy the class. I am not sure I will be going back any time soon but at least I can definitely say that it works. For now I am going to stick to aqua aerobics and Body Combat.

I also wanted to update everyone on my job hunting news. I have gotten a call back for a second interview. I am so thrilled and can not wait to get out of where I am now. So, by the end of this week I am hoping to have a time and a date for that second interview and then the me that lives with her head in the clouds and gets carried away with things far too early can not wait to hand her notice in by the 25th. That means that I will have to work for 3 weeks and then the final week I will be in Scotland on holiday! Oh that would work so well! Please Lord, please!

A few days ago Cammy left me in a comment in response to one of my posts. She suggested going onto Sparkpeople and joining a local group. I know that this link is very much "Out There" but I haven't been on it in months and months. So today I decided to start back up on it. I have entered in today's food, exercise and worked on my goals. I have joined a UK Midlands group and hope to make some friends. Thanks Cammy for a great idea.

I am also hoping to go to a knitting group on Monday night at Starbucks. Never been to one before and i will have to sort out what i will take with me but it sounds fun and might be another way to meet new people.

Before i head off i just want to share this quote that i received in my inbox a few days ago. Such a great quote.

“To sit patiently with a yearning that has not yet been fulfilled, and to trust that, that fulfilment will come, is quite possibly one of the most powerful "magic skills" that human beings are capable of. It has been noted by almost every ancient wisdom tradition.”
—Elizabeth Gilbert

[ Finally ]

I feel like shouting from the roof tops! Finally we have some movement ladies and gentleman. The scale has gone down, down down! So excited! LOL.So this was this mornings weigh in result. Down to 161.4lbs. For those of you who dont know i have been teetering between 264 and 263 for about 2 months now. And Finally i seem to have broken that barrier. 261.6 Babe!! Now its just fingers crossed that it doesn’t go back up.

I have just come back from my first Body Pump class. Lots of fun but very hard work. My shoulders and arms are already sore and achy so who knows what tomorrow is going to be like. Lets just hope that i start to see results soon from this class

I am hoping that next week i will be in the 250's. That would be really great.

It is really late here and i am exhausted so i am going to cut my post short. I do just want to say a very big thank you to Cammy and MaryFran for your comments on yesterdays post. I am feeling a little better today and am making some plans for some of the things that you ladies suggested. Thank you.

[ Believe in better days ]

[ Painting done by myself a few weeks ago while

i was feeling down about things ]

Today has been a bit of a difficult day for me. It has been a lonely day if i am honest with everyone. I just don't have many friends here in the UK. I have many friends back home and even my friends in the states but where i live, i only really have two friends. Julie who has a boyfriend and who i only recently bumped into again after not being in touch for about 3 years and other friend is my ex.

I have been in the country for 7 years and can only say that i have 2 friends. That is so sad. Sure i know people that i used to work with or currently work with but we don't go out, we don't spend time together. I miss it. I dream of having friends round for dinner or going on holiday together or just going shopping. I don't have that and what makes me feel worse is that i don't know what to do about it to fix it.

When i was with my ex he didn't like me spending time with friends which means that i didn't get much opportunity to build any of my own friendships. The only friends i had were his friends. Then when i split up with him, his friends no longer wanted to know me which of course has left me where i am right now.

It has been six months and i have still only know that people that i knew when i was with him. Its not his fault, i am not blaming him but i just don't know what to do about it.

If there are no people that you can be real friends with at work how do you meet people to make friends? I don't have children so cant meet other parents, i don't know anyone so cant meet any of there friends. I don't go to Uni or College so cant meet people there. I go to gym but its not really somewhere where you meet up and chat to people.

It feels hopeless if i am being honest. All that i want is a real friend. Someone who i can spend time with, share things with and who knows me. I don't think that is too much to ask. I am a nice person and i make a good friend. I'm just quiet and am not very comfortable putting myself out there.

That then leads me on to if i cant meet any friends how am i ever going to meet my future husband? I don't want to be alone forever but i have this horrible image in my head of it being exactly like that. I would love to believe in fairy tales but what are the chances of me just bumping into Mr Right, or of him just walking up to me in ASDA and asking me for my number? Not very high i would say.

[ Say what ]

It might be raining outside but inside it is all sunshine!

So i had my interview today. I think it went well. One of those where you are not really sure but fingers crossed right?

I also treated myself to a hair cut. I love it. I normally do these things on the whim and today was no exception however, i think i have finally found myself a hairdresser that i will go back to. LOL, it's only taken me seven years!

And please try to ignore the zit that seems to stick out so very obviously! I think i must be a little run down at the moment because i have several of the little buggers....luckily the others have been better hidden by my makeup.

[ Race for Life ]

I did my first Race for Life on Sunday - 5km! This year my mom and I went together so I walked along with her but next year I hope to be able to run it. That is my goal. Something to work towards.

3000 woman were there. It was fantastic. Some people got dressed up, others were there with their children and hubbies. The local radio station was there and we even had Nivea Boys with Pom Poms cherring us on….lol

Such a good day! Here are some photos from the day. As I don’t have my camera I have had to use these from the radio stations website, its ok - I sent them an email asking them if I could use them before I took them :-).

It took us about 45 minutes to do the race. It was held at our local park so 80% was walked on the grass and the rest was on paths. And to add to all the fun it rained pretty much all of the time we were walking. And I don’t mean a little drizzle - I mean absolutely pelting it down. We were soaked through and even then had water running off of our faces. I loved it!

Another proud day for me. Something new to add to my list of "good" about me. And do you know what else I thought was fantastic? Monday morning I wasn’t even stiff. That was surprising for me because I definitely thought I would wake up and would have to roll out of bed because I wouldn’t be able to move my legs. But that was not the case. I managed to get out of bed and I even made it into work.

Heres to all the other 2999 woman who raced with me on Sunday. Well Done to you all!

[ Things are Good ]

So things are going pretty well for me at the moment. It feels like things are finally coming together and i am so grateful to God for this.

This morning i received my permanent residency back from the Home Office. It only took 4 weeks compared to the 6 months it took them to give me an extension on my visa last year. I know this is going to sound a little weird but i am really proud of myself for getting this. I did this whole thing on my own. I did it properly, and even though there was a lot of worrying and a lot of tears and a lot of money i now have it! All on my own.

And i also have Internet at home again! Yup, i am reconnected to the Internet world - I have missed it!...lol. Hopefully this will mean that i will be able to update my blog a little more frequently and start adding a lot more images (but for some reason not in this post..lol) I will also be able to start leaving comments again....Yippee!

This morning i did a Body Combat class at the gym and man i have not sweated that much in years. I had it literally running down me. Wow! Another thing to be proud of myself about.

I am trusting God for an interview next week. My CV has been sent off to this company and it is close to home, it is a huge company, a great opportunity for me and the salary is whole lot better than where i am now. If i get this job i will even be able to quite my second job and still be earning more than i am right now. That will be such a relief. So if you could keep me in your prayers this week i would love that. I will let you know more about this as i do.

I am off to pick up my brother. Have a great weekend everyone!

[ The second half ]

Can you believe it is the last day of the first half of 2008! Oh yeah, and the last day of June. Wow, where has it all gone to?

Last night I climbed into bed with a cup of tea and my journal and I spent some time writing. Putting my thoughts and my feelings about the past few months onto paper and can I just say how therapeutic this was for me. I went to sleep with a clear mind and a happy heart. I had a good night sleep!

I am feeling so hopeful about the second part of the year ahead. I think that I went through a stage where I had lost my hope. I might have been fighting with all my might on the outside but inside I think I had decided to give up and just lie down. It was easier and ….well, sadder really.
Anyway, this weekend I got to spend some time being creative. I did two new canvas's and finished off one other that has been laying around for weeks now. None of them turned out the way that I had imagined them in my head when I first sat down and started with them but by the time I had washed up my last paint brush I was so proud and so pleased with them. The whole process they had changed, taken on a different look, a different story and by the end of it I knew that they were perfect just the way that they were. The end product was beautiful. As I sat there looking at them and trying to take photos of them with my dad's terrible camera ( love ya dad :-] ) hope started to bloom inside of me. Those rays of sunshine that you hear about in story books and movies moved into my heart and into my spirit and has started to spread, started to grow.


As I said earlier, I am really looking forward to what the rest of this year has in store for me!


While I was writing in my journal the topic of my weight loss or lack of weight loss came up for me. This month has not been a good month for me with regards to the scales but in other aspects things have been good. From June 1st till June 30th I have lost nothing. Yup, these past four weeks my weight has been riding its own little rollercoaster but in total I have lost nothing this month.

I have however managed to do a few good things this month that I am proud of. I had four goals for the month of June.

*Lose 10 lbs - This one didn’t come off the ground.
*Do 350min Cardio Exercise - I smashed this goal! I am proud to say that I have done a total of 501 minutes and so I get to earn my exercise bling! Way to go ME!
*Drink more water - Check, I am drinking at least 5 glasses of water a day……5 more than what I used to drink!
*Try a new exercise - Not only have tried Aquafit but on Saturday I went to my first Body Combat Class. Two days later and I still ache but I am so going back next week!


In my book three out of four is definitely not bad!


Friday afternoon I spent some time reading Cammy's blog and man oh man, if you have some spare time make sure you take a trip over there. It is full of great entries, funny stories and lots of great humour! Anyway, while reading her archives I found myself agreeing a lot with what she was saying. What she said made sense and that was how I wanted things to be.
More specifically, I don’t want to be on a diet for the rest of my life….I want to be eating healthily and looking after my body by exercising it, challenging it. So, l used her SMART entry and put together an action plan for myself. Something that I am going to try and if need be, tweak where necessary. Having some time to just think about it was really good for me. I realised some things that I might be doing which is hindering me from dropping that weight that I want to even though I am doing the right things. Once of those things is eating dinner so late. I work 2 jobs and don’t get home till 8pm which means that I don’t sit down to eat dinner until 9pm and some nights its 9:30 till I am actually sitting down to eat. Then I am going to two hours later and this is simply not good for me. So I have decided to try to have my main meal at lunch time and have the lunch that I would have normally had in the evening. That way, I will have a smaller amount of food that my body is trying to digest and I am hoping that this will help. Like I said, at the moment it is all about the tweaking so we will wait and see if this works for me or not.


So this is what I came up with as my starting points for me:
*I am going to eat 3 meals a day and 2 snacks
*Only eat bread once a week
*Drink min of 5 glasses of water a day
*Work out a min of 3 times a week.
*Not eat after 8pm Eat my main meal at lunch time
*And directly from Cammy - Every 1000 minutes of cardio will earn me 1 full fat treat of my choice. A slice of cake, an ice cream, a chocolate bar - whatever I want.


And just so that I can have something to measure my progress against here are the starting numbers from today:
Weight: 263.4 lbs
Bust: 44 inches
Waist: 48.5 inches
Hips: 53.5 inches


And I think that is enough for today ladies. Thank you for reading and for all the encouraging comments and emails that you send me. My heart smiles when I read them.