[ A jumble of thoughts ]

I have a lot going on in my world at the moment..... a lot of things are going through my head and through my heart. I thought it might help to put them into words so that i can try to make some sense of it all.

* I am missing Pam. So much you wouldn't believe. I miss our chats over a cup of tea. I miss telling her how things are going. I miss laughing over card making. I miss having her in my life. I have been thinking about going to visit her grave over the weekend but i am not sure if that is a good thing. For one, it make me even sadder and two i no longer really belong to her family. When i split up from my ex i guess i feel like i split up from the family as well. I'm not sure if they would be upset if they found out i had been.

* I haven't done any art in about the last three months. I miss it and perhaps that is why i am finding myself so down. I am itching to do some painting, to get my hands dirty but i know i just don't have the time i need. So maybe tonight i should get my art journal out instead and do some painting in that

* I have tooth ache and have been really sick this past week and weekend. My wisdom tooth is coming out and it is killing. I have this unbelievable fear of the dentist which doesn't help so right now i am sucking on painkillers and hoping it will go away.

* I cant get my parcel. I know its not big in the scheme of things but i just want my parcel! I'm never home - i work and live on my own - so if he is going to try to deliver at those times then i wont be there. Plus he seems to have a habit of first time not giving me my parcel number, which stopped me from being able to get it redirected to my folks. And then when he delivered again yesterday he put the parcel number down but put it down incorrectly! Just lovely!

* I need to do some dish washing - desperately! And some cleaning.

* I'm tired. I have a very busy week between working, gyming 4 times a week, studying and living i don't get much time to relax and find that i am often not getting to bed until 11:30. I am an 8 hours sleep kind of gal. I NEED my sleep. I am going to have to figure something out and quickly.

* I am doing my psychology degree, which i totally am loving, but i am a little worried that i have gotten myself in deeper than i originally thought. I am sure i can manage it, its more the time aspect of it.

* I want to do some baking - must make some time to do this.

* I have been being very good eating wise lately but yesterday and today i am in desperate need of sweet stuff. Chocolate, cheesecake...I'm not really fussed. I just want it and i want it all.

Sorry guys i know this post is a little soppy and winy today but sometimes its good just to get it out. I had this quote emailed to me today and thought it was very true.

"There are times when we may fool ourselves. There are times when we can fool others. But we can never fool our body. It is the most sensitive barometer of our inner world." - Sherrill Sellman

Have a lovely weekend everyone

[ My Patchwork Heart ]

I know its just a set back
Give it time and this feeling will pass
I have had a feeling for many years that he messed around on me
I just hadn’t thought he went as far as he had.

Today I got some proof – unintentionally stumbled across it
Part of me wishes I hadn’t.
I always thought the best of him despite the rumours
Isn't that what rumours are? Just gossip…..
I decided not to listen, I decided to follow my heart
But now my heart has cracked…and when I finally thought it was almost mended.

Through the break up we managed to stay friends,
How I am not sure
But now I don’t even want to see him
After all this time he manages to look me in the eye and lie about it.

Are there any men out there who can be trusted?
Who don’t cheat on you or break your heart.

[ Believe in better days ]

[ Painting done by myself a few weeks ago while

i was feeling down about things ]

Today has been a bit of a difficult day for me. It has been a lonely day if i am honest with everyone. I just don't have many friends here in the UK. I have many friends back home and even my friends in the states but where i live, i only really have two friends. Julie who has a boyfriend and who i only recently bumped into again after not being in touch for about 3 years and other friend is my ex.

I have been in the country for 7 years and can only say that i have 2 friends. That is so sad. Sure i know people that i used to work with or currently work with but we don't go out, we don't spend time together. I miss it. I dream of having friends round for dinner or going on holiday together or just going shopping. I don't have that and what makes me feel worse is that i don't know what to do about it to fix it.

When i was with my ex he didn't like me spending time with friends which means that i didn't get much opportunity to build any of my own friendships. The only friends i had were his friends. Then when i split up with him, his friends no longer wanted to know me which of course has left me where i am right now.

It has been six months and i have still only know that people that i knew when i was with him. Its not his fault, i am not blaming him but i just don't know what to do about it.

If there are no people that you can be real friends with at work how do you meet people to make friends? I don't have children so cant meet other parents, i don't know anyone so cant meet any of there friends. I don't go to Uni or College so cant meet people there. I go to gym but its not really somewhere where you meet up and chat to people.

It feels hopeless if i am being honest. All that i want is a real friend. Someone who i can spend time with, share things with and who knows me. I don't think that is too much to ask. I am a nice person and i make a good friend. I'm just quiet and am not very comfortable putting myself out there.

That then leads me on to if i cant meet any friends how am i ever going to meet my future husband? I don't want to be alone forever but i have this horrible image in my head of it being exactly like that. I would love to believe in fairy tales but what are the chances of me just bumping into Mr Right, or of him just walking up to me in ASDA and asking me for my number? Not very high i would say.

[ Attitude adjustment ]

First let me just share that last night I went to an Aqua fit class. My fist aqua fit class in about four years and I can tell you that I had a ton of fun! I really really enjoyed it and today, well let me just tell you my tummy muscles worked hard last night. I seem to have a constant dull ache. I am very pleased with myself. They have two classes every week and both of them start at a perfect time so I am going to look into the membership costs and see what I can do. A definite one that I want to do again!



So back to the attitude adjustment…….I think this is something that I need at the moment. Not with everything but more particularly in my job. I am hating my job. I feel like they are taking me for granted. We are a small office and I am the only accounts person in it. They don’t understand what I do or what my job involves. Two of the woman are total cows *I can think of a more appropriate word but I don’t normally swear*. They think they are always right and that everyone else needs to follow what they say. We are moving offices next week. I have picked my place and now today they think that one of the other guys should sit where I want to sit. I know its only a table and a chair but I need the quiet. I want my own space. I don’t want to be In the middle of the room with everyone buzzing around me. I just want that spot and I don’t really care if they think he should sit there instead of me. I want to sit there.



Sorry for the grumbling but the past week has really gotten me down. I am trying to come to this with a better attitude but it is really difficult. Perhaps I just need some time to rest - I am pretty tired which I guess doesn’t help.

[ From my heart ]

I've been rather quiet lately - i know that. I have been doing some healing, going on with life as best that i can. Tonight i have been thinking about when i was a kid and my mom and dad would put me in Time Out when i got out of hand or when i threw tantrums and i have started to realise that that Time Out time was needed for me to regroup. To sort my emotions and my thoughts out before going back into daily life. To get some perspective.

I think that is what i have been doing these past few months. Trying to regroup, trying to find my life path. Sorting out my emotions and my feelings. Getting some perspective.

I cant say that i feel like i have come a long way from a few months back but i can tell you this.....

More and more i am becoming a new person

I am learning to pick up the pieces of my heart and how to put them back together

I am getting some perspective on how dreams can be shattered and in their place new ones can be born

I am learning that i am Strong in so many ways

I think that it is time that i come back to my blog. To my friends who care about me. I think that it is time that i start to live my life the way it was intended to lived.

[ Ally McBeals Words of Wisdom ]

These past few weeks and months have really been a growing time for me. I have had some ups and i have had some pretty big downs. But you know what........more and more i am feeling like a beautiful butterfly. I am changing and growing and i feel like i am really coming into my own. I love it! I love who i am turning out to be. I love the person that i am becoming. I am enjoying each new day and each new experience because it is molding me into someone beautiful and full of life.

*

Last night after work i sat watching old reruns of Ally Mcbeal. Everyone knows her and the dancing baby but other than that i have only really watched a handful of episodes over the last few years. Anyway, last night i learnt a lot of things from her and John Cage. I learnt that even though your heart might be broken you still need to believe for Love. I was reminded that it's okay to cry all day if you have to and that these last few months i have learnt to live emotionally more than any other time in my life. I have loved, i have lost, i have grieved, i have grown - i have lived emotionally.

*

There were many songs last night on that one hour show (more than normal if i had to guess) but my favourite song, the song that spoke to me the most was "You're still you" by Josh Groban. I just love this guys voice. Its beautiful. I will definitely be adding his songs to my playlist over the weekend.

An assortment of things

I have an assortment of things on my mind lately so i hope you don't mind if today's post is a little all over the place.

*

Lets start with knitting. I haven't done any knitting in a few months now due to moving and studying and and and but i am glad to say that last weekend i picked up a pattern that i love, some yummy yummy Brown Sheep yarn and made a start on this pattern. It is coming together so nicely and so much quicker than what i thought it would. I will take some photos soon. This morning i was reading Adrienne's blog and she had a link up for the new Knitty patterns. I love Knitty and so decided to head on over to see what other patterns i can add to the list ......seeing as the knitting bug has bitten and i may as well take advantage of it while its around.

First off we have the Honeycomb pattern which can be found here. I love the elegance of this pattern and am thinking about one of these in green.And how about Jaden? The pattern can be found here. I think this is just gorgeous.

Then there is Nob Hill which can be found here. "Another shrug?" your saying..... i know, i know. I cant help but love these cute little things.

And then we have this one. It is totally gorgeous but unfortunately i think it is out of skills range. I love how feminine it looks and all the details...... maybe one day!

*

And how about some quilting. I thought i had a photo to share with you guys but it looks like it must still be on my camera. The design that i have finally decided on looks really nice but then one of my friends threw in the idea of adding in a 5Th colour to it and now i am not sure what to do..... i think some more thought will be needed for this one.

*

And then we have my desire of getting more involved with photography. I really really want to start doing wedding photography but i am not sure how to go about it. I think i should probably first see if i can find a wedding photography course and then once i have done that then take it from there. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to leave a comment or email me.

*

Then i also have some paintings that i want to do. I have ideas in my head but just not enough time to get them done.

*

I have also been thinking about opening up and Esty shop but i guess before i go about opening it i should really make some things to put in it.

*

A few days ago i came across this Inspired by Amelie Blog and i love it.I am definitely going to have go to watch the movie, not that it hasn't been on my list of things to do for ages now but anyhoo. This has now jumped to the top of the list.

*

And that is that folks, at least for now anyway. I am sure that i will have more to add to this list soon - I always do. Have a great Wednesday.

Hidden Magic

Lately i have been thinking a lot about what i want from life. What i want to do with my life and how i want to live it. I know these are big questions which don't really have one exact answer but i have been able to add different ideas and thoughts to my answer. I find that some of my answers are really sensible and others are just totally out there. As practical as those sensible ideas are i am finding it more exciting to think about those "totally out there" ones. Its those wacky ideas which i find are normally the ones that challenge me, that help me to grow and help me to achieve all that i want to. Dreaming is good. Taking up those dreams and trying to make a go of them - even if you do fail- is so important. Who i am, what i believe and how i live my life is something that i am figuring out at the moment.

*

This canvas is something that i painted over the weekend. I am so pleased with how she has turned out. I do need to practice a lot more on eyes because that is the part that i feel lets her down just a little. Other than that she makes me happy every time i walk into the lounge and see her hanging on my wall. The flower design is something that i "lifted" from one of the many blogs that i visit so the design is somebody else's credit but the rest is all me.

Ants in my pants.....

This is something we always used to say as children in our house. It was always a big joke and whenever someone used to say it we used to jiggle about and squirm as if we really did have ants in our pants......

Today i feel as if i have got Ants in my pants. Unfortunately, not in the fun childlike sense but in the sense that i just want everything now. I don't want to have to wait anymore! Things that i know are going to take time to come to pass, things that need to be worked on, nurtured and loved ..... I WANT THEM NOW! I don't want to have to wait around for them to happen. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and if i cant have all the things that i seem to so desperately want at the moment, at least i should be able to have, lets say, two of them. I think that is a perfectly fair deal. I wont be greedy and want them all - i can be happy with just two.

I know, i know - I am sounding very childish and immature and i am really trying to "live for the now" and "make each moment count" so that i can be happy at the place where i am this very minute but today i am finding it hard. Today i want the easy fixes. I don't want to have to work hard for things or make sacrifices. I just want things to be easy.

It's the little things

Its funny how it is so often the little things that make such a big difference - good and bad. I used to think that it was mainly the big things in life that defined who you were as a person but more and more i am realising that it is not simply those big once off events that shape who we are but it is also those small everyday things that also have a hand in shaping us.

Now i am not saying that those big once off things in life dont shape us - they definately do. I am having first hand experience with that at the moment. But by going through this big thing i am learning that life is made with those little things. Finding a parking space right outside my house after work, seeing a letter from my lovely gran in the mailbox, sharing a smile with someone who you care deeply about. Those are the moments that shape us, that make life the little bit better.

This is just something that i have been finding in my life lately - just my thoughts.

I treid to be really organised this past weekend. I took all the photos that i wanted for the week, went round to my parents and used their internet to upload them to my blog. Monday morning i came to post and something must have happened to them because i couldnt get any of them to open. So, i am having to be picture free again! Very frustrating.

I have so many things to post but for now i am going to wait until i can get my pictures uploaded properly. I dont want to tell the stories but miss out on the photos.

I came across this quote a while ago and thought i would share......have a great day everyone.

Faith Isnt Faith Unilt It's All You're Holding On To

Whats new?

I must say that i seem to be having major photo withdrawl at the moment. Last night i took loads of photos, edited them but as i am without internet they are still sitting on my hardrive. Poo!

So, today i decided that i would do the naughty thing and pick up some photos from google image. Just to make sure - Please note that none of these photos were taken by me.

My spirits are lifting which is a good thing. I feel like a new flower blooming and i am loving it.

So whats new with me? What have i been up to? What have i been doing? How about some visual prompts.....

I am going to watch Juno on Saturday evening - cant wait!

I have been really enjoying the warmer weather, bluer skies and little blossoms which are showing up everywhere.
Home and away is the only Soap that i watch ....but i do have to watch it every day!

I feel like i am becoming a wize in the kitchen. My most recent creations include Butternut squash soup and some delicious weight watchers brownies. (Actual photos and recipes to follow sometime next week) I am loving Superchicks! Been listening to them non-stop. Waiting for another one of their albums to arrive in the post.Started a new knitting project a few days ago. I only knit for an hour or two while i watch my soap and perhaps another programme.Have i mentioned i have also been catching up on CSI? I went through a phase of not enjoying it that much but the bug seems to have snuck up on me again and i am watching it when ever i can.I also have a few paintings which are on the go at the moment. I really should sit down and finish one before i move onto another one...lolJust around the corner from my new flat is a lovely park that i have been going for a walk in the past few days. Getting home by 4:40 gives me a little more sunshine in my early evening.And this little book has been a great inspiration to me over the past few weeks. I am so pleased that bought it when i did.

This is probably about it for now. Happy hump day - Looking forward to tomorrow night and saturday!

Oh yeah, and my spell check doesnt seem to be working so pardon any bad spelling which makes it past me.

Exactly a month

So it has been a month today since Stu and i split up. The past 30 days have been a whirlwind of emotions. So much has happened and so much has changed. It feels like it has been a lot longer than 30 days but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday that we sat down and had a talk.

Six and a half years together feels like a life time. I miss a lot of things including the simple things like comfort and normality. When you go through something like this you realise what your comfort zone really is. Even though this is difficult for both of us we are trying to stay friends. I know that if i need something i can call him and if he needs anything he can do the same.

This is a journey for me. I am learning to close one chapter of my life and open up another. Some days are ok and i manage to get through them and other days are really really difficult. Today is one of the difficult days.

Part of the healing process for me is documenting. Writing in my diary, doing some work in my art journal, spending time just talking with the Lord. This morning while reading todays devotional they had this prayer as todays prayer:

Dear Father, I give my troubles to you. Please give me the strength and wisdom to trust in Your will. I pray I will react in a way that brings glory to You. Help me to be still and know that you are God. I know You are always with me and I ask for the patience to do things according to Your plan and Your timetable.

In Jesus’ precious name, Amen.

This is exactly what i needed this morning and probably for every morning for many months to come. It is easy to become impatient and to worry - it takes more effort and thought to simply trust. Today i am choosing to take the one that doesnt necessarly feel like the easier option - today i am trusting in Gods plan and his timing.

Live Life Everyday

This is my latest painting that i finished off last night. For some reason the background is much bluer than what it is in real life. It is actually a turquoise colour but i must admit that this blue looks just as nice as my turquoise does.
It is my first small (i think it is an 8 x 8) painting and it is going in my bedroom along with another one that i am working on and i am hoping to start a third one in the next week or so.
I love how quick it was to paint and the freedom that i felt with the smaller space.
This is just a reminder to myself to Live Life Everyday. You don't know how long you have on this earth and you don't know when you might find yourself in different circumstances so Live your Life Everyday!
I was introduced to Zen habbits by Ali a few months ago and just the other day it had an article on living your life consciously. It was about making conscious decisions about your day, your actions and your life. It was about being present in that moment in your life, not just aimlessly moving through your life. It also spoke about those decisions that are automatic. The ones that you just do and don't really think about them. Like picking up that second piece of cake or working in the same company that you have been in for the last five years even though you are not really happy there and living from pay cheque to pay cheque even though you could be managing your finances better. Just things like that. Decisions and choices which help to shape your life so that you get what you want, so that you don't have to settle for second best. I was inspired.

A life lived of choice is a life of conscious action. A life lived of chance is a life of unconscious creation.- Neale Donald Walsch

Its finally started

I feel like i am actually on a journey. Its a little weird because i have been feeling like i have been standing still for sooo long now. Its nice to know that i am starting to move forward. Part of me feels anxious - the other part feels peaceful. It probably sounds a little contradictory but that is how I am feeling at the moment. I feel like some big changes are commig my way. Im not sure if they will feel like good changes at the time but i have a peace about them. Im not making much sense am I?

Giving thanks

First off i just want to share this recipe with you. I am sure that a lot of you already have it, or at least something similar but for my non US friends this is definitely a very nice recipe to try.

Whipped Sweet Potato Casserole

Recipe found on Allrecipes.com

Original recipe yields: 5 servings but i just scaled it down for the two of us at our home.

INGREDIENTS
3 medium sized sweet potato, peeled and cubed
1 tablespoons orange juice
1.5 tablespoons brown sugar
Sprinkle of ground nutmeg and cinnamon
1 tablespoons butter

miniature marshmallows

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
In a large saucepan cook sweet potatoes in salted water over medium-high heat for about 20 minutes, or until done.

Drain, and add orange juice, brown sugar, spices and butter. Whip until smooth. Spread into a medium size casserole dish and top with marshmallows.
Bake in preheated oven for about 10 minutes, or until marshmallows are golden brown

My notes

I did find this recipe a little on the sweet side so next time i will probably skip the sugar all together. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that i made one big casserole rather than smaller ones.

Now onto my tittle. Everyone knows that this month is Thanksgiving in the US. When i lived there, this as well as Christmas, was my favourite holiday. Since i moved to the UK i haven't celebrated it in the sense of decorations and turkey but i do still take this opportunity to give special thanks for those things in my life that are special to me. Often things that i overlook or take for granted suddenly get the attention that they deserve. I do try and live with a grateful heart but i guess there is always room for improvement, right?

So, here is my list of things that i am grateful for. Thing that have been around for as long as i can remember and things that i am grateful for just today.

* My new car, Feebie. I am so grateful to have her and to know that she is in good condition and is reliable.

* For being able to see my gran this year and to spend some time with her

* Having a little sachet of Hot Chocolate sitting in my desk draw just waiting for me to need a pick me up

* My family who have blessed me in so many ways this past year

* Stuart has managed to pass his truck licence test and is now much happier at his job

* I just love the talents that God has blessed me with. Painting, Knitting, scrapping, drawing and so much more.

* Thankful for my freedom and safety that i have

* For the job that i have even though at times i wish i worked somewhere else

There is so much more that i have to be grateful for but i am doing this at work today so probably should stop here for now.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Be safe!

I've learned

I have learned that art is a very personal thing
I have learned that trying new things can be both extremely scary as well as immensely rewarding
I have learned that having fun is more important than having a perfect drawing
I have learned that getting inspiration from someone else and using it is NOT cheating
I have learned that if you never try new things you will never know what you can really do

I have been stretching myself these past few weeks. I have been trying new things - loving some while hating others. That is OK.
I have been doing things that have felt good. I have been mixing paints to make my own shades of colours, i have been painting with sponges and even with my fingers. I love that i can try all these things and come out of it feeling better in myself. Art is a very personal thing.
I was reading Donna's blog last week and came across this post of hers. My post is very much along the same lines as hers and it is because of her entry that I found both my inspiration for my art piece as well as Kelly Rae Roberts site. Kelly's site is so inspiring and it has helped my mind explode with all sorts of new ideas and things that I would like to try.

So today I sit here and I say thank you. Thank you to Kelly for inspiring Donna. Thank you Donna for inspiring me and thank you Lord for this passion that you have blessed me with.

Art

I have been thinking really hard about putting my art journal up on my blog. Some of the pages are very personal to me and others i don't mind sharing so much. So what i thought i would do if just share those that i want to.

Now before i show these two pages i want to just let you know that if you don't like them then you are totally within your right not to. Art is different for everyone and this is my art, for me, right now. I am having fun, expressing myself and challenging myself to try different things. To step outside of my normal box and to do things that i might have tried if i was the five year old me.
Be true to who you are
For this page i used acrylic paint, rub ons, stickers, paper and collage techniques. I really had fun with this one as it was the first time in a long time that i had mixed my paints to make the exact colour that i was after in my head - loved it!

Good Bye This was the very first page that i did in my art journal. Again a very personal page but this one i don't mind sharing. I used acrylic paint, masking tape and my journal pen.

Tomorrow i am hoping to have some photos up of some of my knitting projects that i have going on at the moment. I seem to have 3 UFO's and at least another 2 projects that i am just itching to get on my needles...lol.

Have a good day today

Sherwood Forest

Yesterday i got to spend the entire day with my gran. We only have five more days before she heads off back home to South Africa and i really wanted to share some quality time with her. So yesterday morning i was up early and heading over to my parents house to pick her up. We decided to go to Sherwood Forest - a first for both of us.
We couldn't have picked a nicer day to go. The sky was so blue and the wind was hardly blowing. We walked along the paths and came across this flying witch.

We got to walk along chatting and catching up
We sat down, shared some things that are going on in our lives at the moment
We saw some amazing things and walked along in silence simply enjoying each others company.
We got a little lost and ended up having to go through some gates to find our way back to the pathwayWe stumbled upon the Major Oak which is said to be where Robin Hood hid from his enemies inside the hollow of the Major Oak. Just a few hundred yards from the forest is the little church where legend has it that Robin Hood and Maid Marrion got married.
All in all we had a really nice day. We walked around for two and a half hours. Sat down and had some lovely lunch in a near by cafe. We made some new memories, shared some old ones and had a few very good laughs. It was such a lovely day - thank you granny for make it so special. All these photos and the stories to go along with it will be on a scrap page soon.

Kindness is....

I wanted to share something really cool and exciting with you guys today but unfortunately Blogger would not upload my photos so it will have to wait until tonight to try again.

So instead of sharing my news, updating you on my knitting and showing some of my latest art journal work off i am just going to share this cute image with everyone. It is so true -

Kindness is a very BIG thing!

So today try and find someone who you can do something nice for. Give someone a hug or share a smile - its those small things that can really make someones day Oh so special.

Time for a change

Pencillines challenge # 53

Balance is something that I am trying to keep as a central focus throughout my day at the moment. We live in such a busy world that when I start to feel bogged down and overwhelmed I take a step back and see just what I am spending my time on and what I am dealing with. Then I ask myself some questions - How much time do I spend on each thing? How important is each thing to me and can I get rid of it, delegate it or not do it all together? I find that by asking these questions it helps me to sort out my priorities which in turn helps me to feel happier with myself and my life.

Another thing that I have found tends to make me feel bogged down and overwhelmed are expectations. Other peoples as well as my own. Lately I have been feeling a little stuck, for lack of a better word, in the inspiration/scrapbooking department. I have just been feeling like there are just so many pages that you can do about yourself, your other half, your cats and then you come to a stand still. Don’t get me wrong - I still love scrapbooking and I will still carry on when I feel like I have something worthwhile to scrap about but right now I am giving myself permission to take a break from it without feeling guilty. I haven't really done much scrapping these past few months - you know like I expect myself to have really done a lot more than what I have - but last night I realised that it is OK to take a break from it and come back to it later. Instead of feeling like I have been in a rut I am going to take my creative energy and use it in my art journal, my knitting and perhaps even my sewing. I think that I was putting too much pressure on myself to be creative in a certain way and when I felt like I was not measuring up it started to affect the other creative areas in my life.

So, this layout might be the last 12 x 12 layout that I do for a little while but don’t worry - I will still be finding ways to express my creative soul and I will still be sharing them on here with you.